I hate this ball. It’s kind of cute and makes Cooper happy but unless you put that ball in a box on a shelf, it will not be controlled. The ball escapes my son’s hand nearly every 5 seconds and causes us both angst, somehow we wind up running through parking lots, risking our lives for this little 25 cent inch of rubber multiple times a day.
I hate things I cannot control.
And honestly, God has been shining big and bright from that category as of late. He’s laughing as I write this because He’s thinking, “FYI... I live in that category, Jennie. I am never in your control.” I know... my theology knows... but my heart doesn’t always.
Because sometimes I want to believe I can control the outcomes of life. I want a formula. I want God to work with formulas. If I have enough faith, obey enough, pray enough then He will move.
Yesterday I got off the phone with a friend whose sister has been fighting brain cancer and no doctors gave her a chance. But against every odd she has rallied and will likely go on to live a long life. I will never forget what my friend said next....
“Jennie, our faith didn’t include crazy healing. We didn’t pray this up- we weren’t brave enough to pray this. God just healed her in spite of us.”
And something in me got mad... I wasn’t mad that God healed my friend’s sister, but I was mad that my God can not be manipulated- I got mad that others in my life are praying with seemingly mammoth faith and they aren’t healed. I got mad that such big things feel like His whim.
God- I love you- don’t smite me yet. You’re probably thinking something like...
What is man that I am mindful of you... or who draws a line and tells oceans to stop and stores warehouses of snow...???
YOU DO. I shudder at the thought of your vastness and my smallness.
I just want to voice that I am scared of You sometimes.... and now I want to say:
You still have me. You have me because where else would I go?
I have utterly enslaved myself to you in public and private ways and you have me.
But I do feel like I have strapped myself to this ball and some days that is exciting and some days it is terrifying and I think I may die. But I love you and I know that You love me and that floors me- so I will have faith and obey and pray anyway... not to control You but to be near to You- the God of the Universe.... because I can and that is better than my pretend control.
Have Your way with me. Your kingdom come. Your will be done.
What are you wishing you could control right now?