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Recently, we launched a vision that has haunted me for over 7 years. It is an embarrassingly large preposterous vision. Only someone stupid or possessed by God would dare to dream of what we are about to do. I know you are good and curious right now… and we will fill you in soon. In the meantime- I am afraid and that must be common to other humans so let’s talk about it.
In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ…In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1
It’s been a few weeks since I said goodbye to my friend. I sucked in all the grief to hide it away and I squeezed her hand and whispered,
Everything caved in last Thursday. It’s hard to be ruined.
I am beat down- 4 weeks of speaking to a dad-gum lot of people, with Haiti in the midst, and dreaming about a future project in Nashville thrown in.
The fall out was intense enough that I wanted to run from every calling I have. I wanted shallow small things to still distract me, like they did back when I was not all ruined.
I had a weird few weeks- from Christian rockstar land to Haiti… people asking me to sign their bibles or their arm with a sharpie (I did neither) to children begging for food in tent city, Haiti.
Everyone is surprised by how heavy I have been lately. Isn’t it so exciting? Publishing and Adopting
But so many things about both blessings are weighty. I am afraid of my capacity to do all of this, I hate being out there for scrutiny, I am afraid of what writing will mean for my family and so many other things….
So why do it?
What if…
these little acts of obedience were a small part of a matrix of dominoes unfolding the glory of God (small because after all I am a small domino in a huge matrix)…. could He bypass me and find another route? Of course- He is God.
It’s been a while. I have had so much to say, in fact, I have about 5 half written blog entries sitting in my edit box. But I could not seem to punch publish….
Maybe it’s because I am lazily numb with summer.
Or maybe it’s because publishers are all over my site lately and you make me nervous. (By the way- Hello, make yourself at home.)
Or maybe it is because I don’t know exactly what to say….
Would I dare to say I cannot find time for fellowship with God? If this sin begins to appear plain to us, shall we not with deep shame cry out: ‘Woe is me, for I am undone, 0 God; be merciful to me, and forgive this awful sin of prayerlessness.’
Andrew Murray from The Sin and Cause of Prayerlessness
Following the beautiful (but absent of my God) journey with Elizabeth through Eat Love Pray, I have been drawn back to filling and indulgent truth through the writings of Andrew Murray.
In the last few weeks I have had several requests for my studies. Two of those are large churches that have asked if they can take their women through “Stuck” in the fall. Great- right?! But being the complicated, twisted, prone person that I am, I haven’t felt great. I’ve felt afraid and insecure.
Fear # 1. I don’t want to be exposed yet! This material is not where it will be. Publishers, editors, smart and creative people will hopefully soon be taking my work and fixing my run-on sentences and showing me why you can’t ask adults to draw in a bible studies. 
I would rather large masses of people get it after they make it better- more presentable.
Monday nights you can find me with new Christians. Some of them had ideas about God when they were younger- but for the most part they did not want much to do with that god.
Then they met the God and they can not get enough.
Cassie and I did not stop talking for an hour and a half last night, marking up the biggest white board with the story of God and what He did and what He will do and what He is doing.
I spent the day in an office yesterday with 2 consultants, one a dear friend. The goal: What exactly do you want to do, Jennie? Because every move you are about to make needs to be made in light of that goal.
It was challenging. I knew some things: I want God to get bigger for people. God to use me to help women get unstuck in various areas of their lives. I want to preach the gospel. But those weren’t the answers they wanted. One of them said, “you need to know what it is you are asking people to do, when they come to your blog, when they read your books, when they do one of your studies.” I said, “Love Jesus.”
I need God. It is really cumbersome to be so dependent on someone else, someone else to show up, to come through, to carry you, to give you words. If I am honest, I wish sometimes I could do things on my own.
But even in our God- given limitations, He is so gracious and tender. I need Him and so I go to Him.
And then He is there- God is there. God, who spins planets, laughing as I come in a crumpled ball and ask/ beg Him for what I need. And He is says, “Of course! What is it?”
