Grief and Unanswered Questions with Bethany Barnard

“His spirit was still in me because it doesn't just go in and out – I am His. It’s purely His grace that I would lean into that, even when I was ***resenting* and *resisting*** it.”

“Does it fall through the cracks? Will it all get lost? I am starting to lose track. When did the bad news start? Like the hairs on my head, do You count the tears I cry? I am starting to forget what rest and hope feel like.”

These are the lyrics to Bethany Barnard’s ‘How It All Matters’ from her latest album. And honestly, this echoes most of our thoughts when in our darkest hour. Bethany released what I can only describe as a tear-jerking vehicle for catharsis and healing.

We had a chat about her new album and the traumatic experiences that inspired it.

Bethany, what were you feeling as you began writing this incredible album?

Bethany: I was grieving. When you're depressed, grieving, and going through trauma, you feel like God is continents away from you. I was diagnosed with severe OCD and depression after losing my dad. My dad passed away after a long, gruesome, and painful battle with cancer. Then, there were multiple things happening in our community and other parts of my life. I couldn’t understand why all these things were happening at the same time.

It would make me mad to hear songs of victory because I didn't feel that. So, something either had to be wrong with me, God, or the song. I had a lot of inner conflict; all the while being kept by God in His grace.

I wanted to talk to God. I wanted to feel carried, but I couldn’t enter His courts with praise at that point in my life.

I just said what I felt, and I felt mad. The songs on the new record are from those moments.

And yet, you weren't breaking down your faith, or were you?

Bethany: Jesus makes a promise multiple times in the gospels, “whom the Father has given Me, I will not lose, and I will not cast out” (John 6:37). He promises the Holy Spirit to us, and that Spirit is deposited in me as a guarantee (John 14:15-31). Therefore, I didn't question God’s existence.

I have seen the evidence of God carrying me, changing me, and speaking to me.

I know that God is real and that His Spirit is in me. I knew that He was not going to loosen His grip on me because of where I was. The Holy Spirit rebuilt some things that weren't there before.

I woke up a Christian, not because I read my Bible every morning. It was because God kept my organs working. His spirit was still in me because it doesn't just go in and out – I am His. It’s purely His grace that I would lean into that, even when I was resenting and resisting it.

God captured my heart as a little girl, and I see the evidence of Him in my life. I needed Him to preserve me, **but I knew He was giving me the eyes to see through my frailty in that season**.

On the other side of this, did you feel a deeper, richer experience with joy and faith?

Bethany: Absolutely. When you're depressed, sad, and just waiting for the end of the day, you don't have a guarantee that seasons of joy will come back. You rarely feel like something will be redeemed out of this. You're just getting through the day.

But suffering is often transformative.

When you feel how limited you are in those places, you realize that God led you into that place. You realize that He was with you in the shadowy places and prepared to preserve you. You begin to see more of His heart.

Some things have been redeemed through that, even through a mental health diagnosis. And now, I could tell you ten different stories of how that difficult thing brought me joy on the other side of that. I didn't know I’d find that joy again.

The common theme in these songs is the fact that you didn't know who else to blame. Tell us about that.

Bethany: When we’re grieving, we always think, “God could have spared us from this.” But we believe in a sovereign and powerful God. He allows evil, but he doesn't necessarily cause it. God seeks to destroy evil, death, and tears forever.

At the end of the day, we know He is in control over it because He is powerful enough.

I grew up with the unspoken belief that it’s a sin to be angry at God. My perspective through this season was that anger itself is not a sin. God created all my emotions because I reflect His image. So, it’s important to remember that it’s not biblical to suppress anger when you suffer or see someone else suffer. Take that anger as fuel so you can build a closer and deeper relationship with God.

I had moments of insane anger, and I couldn’t vent to anyone other than God. I knew it was not the oncologists’ or surgeons’ fault that we lost my dad. I knew only God can carry those things.

During that season, I leaned into the conflict I felt. I could directly ask Him why He allowed my suffering. And honestly, I **can't think of a more productive thing than to invite God into that moment**.

What would you say to someone who’s wondering if their pain will ever end?

Bethany: Therapy has taught me to focus on function over feeling. In those seasons, your feelings are huge. They aren't wrong but they aren't the gauge of God’s doing in your life. So, you live within your values and beliefs each day. Focus on living within your emotional capabilities, getting up, eating, and taking care of your kids. And then, engage with God. It doesn’t need to be a long prayer. A simple "I need help" will do. Engage with God and trust that He is carrying you through.

Our goal in sharing this conversation with Bethany is to help you become your healthiest self. Denying sadness and pain is not a marker of health. If we don't walk through it, we don’t grow. God has used those times of lament, sadness, and depression to deepen my faith, to make me trust Him more, and to experience a fuller life.

If you need a good cry and a reminder that it’s okay to bring your pain to God, ‘All My Questions’ is the go-to album. You can listen to Bethany’s music here.