Setting Yourself Free: When to Walk Away from Toxic People
I’ve been a fan of Gary Thomas and his work for ages. He is a pastor and author and has published multiple works that discuss massive pillars of life. His book ‘When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People’ is as much a gentle eyer-opener as it is a masterpiece. In this edited interview, Gary tells us about his latest literary installment and the inspiration behind it.
My Chat with Gary:
Why did this feel like an important enough topic for a book?
Gary: A few experiences in my life have led me in this direction. I found out someone was undercutting me, lying about me, and attacking me. I asked one of my friends what the Christian way to respond would be. He advised me not to engage the person.
My friend told me to read the book of Luke and count how many times Jesus walked away from someone. So, I read all four gospels and found 41 citations where Jesus walked away from someone or let someone walk away. Not all were toxic people, but it completely changed the way I read the gospels and a lot of the teachings in the New Testament. That became the appendix to the book.
What would you say keeps people engaging with toxic people?
Gary: I think it's a false sense of guilt. People feel like they have failed the other person.
“I would always assume that I messed up, but I don't believe Jesus ever messed up. And so, I realized that walking away was a strategy for Jesus.”
I think we also lack a sense of mission. This is why it’s important to remember that your life matters. You have the Holy Spirit within to empower and guide you every hour. God can use every day to bless others. It's easier to walk away from toxic people if our days are occupied with reaching out to healthy people or hurting people who need a healthy person to speak words of life to them.
We also have a habit of thinking we can change people. You don't want to be caught up in those interactions. Jesus says, “But don't throw your pearls before swine or cast what is holy to the dogs, or else they'll turn and tear you to pieces.”
Some people may realize they have toxic people around them, and that’s a scary realization. What would you say to them?
Gary: There’s a difference between unhealthy and toxic.
“Every toxic person is difficult, but not every difficult person is toxic.”
Toxic people take little pieces out if you interact with them. They destroy your peace, joy, and self-confidence.
God says the joy of the Lord is our strength, and if you're interacting with somebody who's always making you weak, there's less of you to go around. If you're interacting with a toxic person, you won't try to bless others because you'll see yourself as part of the problem. So, if somebody is destroying what God has called you to do, you need to walk away.
What do you do when it's somebody so close to you that you can't escape?
Gary: It will depend on the situation. I don't think it's wrong or that we should feel guilty for trying to escape. If you realize that there’s not enough of you left to endure a ‘difficult’ parent, then try to address that.
Tell them that you need space from them at this point. A non-toxic parent will be proud that they raised to know your priorities. They’ll acknowledge that your absence saddens them and that you’ll be missed, but they won’t make you feel guilty. If that’s not how your parent responds, that's not on you.
We've got to stop feeling bad when unhealthy people have an unhealthy response to healthy decisions. It doesn't make the healthy decision bad or selfish. A real marker of toxicity is when somebody is trying to control us.
You don't always walk away, right? What about engaging the parent and making them aware of their behavior?
Gary: We should absolutely try to engage. We should speak the truth in love, but we've got to understand where their heart is. Consider whether a conversation is worth your time. The four words that have helped me are: “No conviction, no counsel!” By that, I mean if I'm not seeing the Holy Spirit's conviction, my counsel is wasted. And if they're not convicted, they’ll see me as the toxic person.
While scripture tells us to live at peace with all men, there comes a time when we wash our hands. When is that time?
Gary: We must evaluate whether we have the spiritual or emotional resources to deal with the situation. And so, take time to think about it. But if you don’t have it in you to deal with the person, you may want to evaluate your calling in life. Is this person making it impossible to follow that calling?
If the person’s behavior is distracting you from more important aspects of your life, it might be worth washing your hands. It’s important to always ask God for discernment and wisdom in these situations. If the person doesn’t listen to you, then give that encouragement, blessing, and time to someone who wants to hear you.
What’s the first thing to do when you realize you’re in a toxic relationship?
Gary: Evaluate the positive first. Paul modeled walking away from toxic people so that you could find reliable people in which you can invest. And so, we look for what God has called us to do and create the time for that. We’re not walking away from toxic people to binge-watch Netflix.
There are dozens of people who would appreciate getting a call, having a conversation, or just spending time with you. So, talk to those people. Do the positive and let the toxic person go.
How do you do it right?
Gary: We must be honest and explain why we're walking away rather than just ghosting a person. However, you must be prepared for conflict when interacting with a toxic person. Most healthy people recognize that there's a place for conflict – to seek understanding, learn how to love somebody, and find resolution and peace in the relationship.
“A toxic person will justify their behavior or deflect blame when you speak to them. And so, talking to them may lead to a lot of gaslighting rather than closure.”
Toxic people are control mongers, so they want your time and attention. That’s the opposite of who God is. Control is Satan's method. So, if somebody's trying to control you, they're not using Jesus's methods. Control mongers will change their shape to trick you. They'll use flattery, religious figures, threats, or even slander to control you. You must recognize that they’re trying to control you and walk away from the situation.
I think we walk away too quickly to avoid dealing with conflict. What’s the healthy way to deal with someone that isn't toxic?
Gary: It’s humility. Humility allows you to tell the people you’re called to love when they’re not being their true selves. You’re able to have that conversation gently and with love. You can also accept the person despite what they may be going through at that moment.
If the other person doesn’t want to receive what you’re saying, don’t press it.
Go get a cup of coffee or whatever activity you typically do together. That's how humble people relate.
When we walk in humility, we recognize that Jesus is the only hero. I think toxicity is based on pride. The whole notion of control is a very arrogant thing. However, humility allows you to accept that you might be wrong. You then let the other person show your wrongs.
Some people want to walk away but are stuck because the person keeps pulling them back in. What would you say to them?
Gary: Have a strong mission and a sense of God's affirmation.
We don't honor God by letting ourselves be torn apart emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
With the power of the Holy Spirit, God can use you in phenomenal ways. He can bring you healing, light, and truth.
You might walk away physically, but the toughest part is walking away mentally. So, speak to your loved ones and plan fun activities with them. Find positive relationships to throw yourself into and invest in those. Invest in emotionally, mentally, and spiritually nurturing relationships. Fill your mind with good things, truth, and encouragement.
How do you spot a toxic person before you're in too deep?
Gary: The first marker of a toxic person is control-mongering. Evaluate their life to see if they destroy small groups, family gatherings, office environments, reputations, and your joy. A positive, healthy Christian puts on compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience, humility, and love. A toxic person knows anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language, and lying.
If you’re too attached to the person or they’re distracting you from healthy relationships, that’s a concern. They might also gaslight you and give you no space for your positive relationships. Do you panic when their name comes up on your phone? Ask yourself if that’s a battle you need to fight. There comes a point where you must recognize that you don't need to fight this battle any longer.
This is an edited snippet of our chat with the wonderful Gary Thomas. We have been blessed by his work and are insanely grateful for his life.
WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LONELY.
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