Angry
As you guys know, this season we are talking about all the different things we are feeling and going through. It is such a unique time! If you haven’t, you really need to go back to this podcast with Anita Phillips because she lays the groundwork for what we’re talking about this season. We’re under trauma! There are a lot of emotions we’re all feeling that are a result of anxiety and trauma that has come from a lot of unknowns. We are living in a world of unknowns. There are threats to every part of our lives, it feels like. There is also conflict and people raging everywhere. Of course we are living in that threshold of irritability and being easily offended.
TRAUMA AND ANGER
We were in some counseling for one of our kids, and they were showing us the threshold for blowing up, losing your temper, etc. Most people if they’re healthy and they haven’t experienced trauma and they’re not going through anything really dramatic, it takes a lot to push their buttons and make them angry. But if you have been through trauma or something that’s causing you anxiety, then your threshold to reaction and to anger and to blowing your top off is a lot smaller. We’ve got to say that out loud. Everyone needs to hear that. We need to have this conversation in our homes and with our friends. We’re all kind of walking on eggshells. We’re all on the edge of losing our temper more than we were a year ago. I think that disclaimer helps, but we also have this accountability to each other and to the Lord to live differently.
THE HOLY SPIRIT AND ANGER
I want to read out of Galatians 5:16-24, “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
Some of those huge things probably aren’t taking over your life right now, but those things right smack dab in the middle, like jealousy, rivalries, divisions, envy, etc. are a little closer to home. Those are what the author of Galatians, Paul, are fruits of the flesh. They’re the desires of our flesh to be angry, to have rivalry, to have dissensions, to have divisions. This is the way we are prone to move without the intervention of the Holy Spirit. What I want to talk about today is that there is the greatest advocate against our fits of rage, our dissensions, our divisions, and it is the Holy Spirit within you. I know that it can feel like it’s impossible. How am I not supposed to react? I’m so depleted, discouraged, and my kids are still at home and we’re still homeschooling and do our job, or trying to date in the midst of a pandemic! I can’t even imagine. Whatever it is that is about to push you over the edge, there is an advocate that is with you and for you. He has a different way for you.
What I love is we know the fruits of the Spirit - look above! There is an activity of God in our lives that is causing this fruit to grow. I want to say that because I think sometimes we feel like we have to will our anger to go away. The truth is, anger is not our enemy. It says Jesus was angry at times. Anger is not a sin. It’s when we sin in our anger - we yell or fits of rage come out. That’s where it crosses a line. The fact that we feel disappointment, anger, and frustration is not the issue - the issue is when we sin in it. Let’s talk about how the Spirit does this work in our lives, because I’m not going to tell you to not to be disappointed or angry. And God doesn’t tell you that! He just tells us to not sin in it and that there is a different way to live. That different way is something God provides for us.
THE DIFFERENT WAY
We need some handles for this, so let me be clear: what you feed is how you will live. If you feed your flesh, if in this season you shut down with idolatry of comfort or idolatry of numbing out or idolatry of access with alcohol, food, etc. If you feed all that, you are going to have fits of rage. You can not control yourself in the midst of feeding your flesh. What happens is when you feed your spirit and actually fill your mind with good things, when you are disciplined, when you spend time with God, I promise you there is an abiding that happens with Jesus that flows into everything else. My antidote to anger is time with God. My antidote with anger is the fruits of the Spirit that only grow if you abide with God. Those things grow out of you when you abide in the Spirit.
This isn’t some exercise of telling yourself, “don’t feel angry, don’t feel angry, don’t feel angry.” That never works. But what does work is perspective that comes when I sit with Jesus. Conviction that comes when I sit with Jesus. Life and peace that grows up in me and out of me when I am with Jesus. My plea with you is that you would see the value of it. That you would see the enemy’s way of distracting us so that we never deal with our junk. We just numb out and act out and that’s a pretty common practice. If you numb out, you’re going to act out. That’s how our bodies work! You feed the flesh and your flesh is going to be there in spades - to your kids, your spouse, your friends, your parents.
Q&A
I wouldn’t call myself an angry person, so how does this apply to me?
I would say all of us feel anger at some point. We feel entitled to something. We feel like there’s been injustice in our life or someone else’s life. We all feel anger. That’s something that you feel. You might not be a yeller or bang pots and pans, but I would be careful to write yourself off here, because you’re stuffing it somewhere. It’s probably going to come out at some point. Take inventory of that! Even after you turn off this episode, ask yourself if there’s anything you’re stuffing or any offense you’ve felt that you’ve ignored. That kind of anger can be more destructive than screaming. When you’re yelling and screaming, at least everyone knows what you’re dealing with! We’re pretty open in our family - we don’t hide things. We deal with them. I love that, but we have to work it out. We don’t just leave it in the air. We bring it to resolution. Even if my kids see Zac and I get in a fight and get angry with each other, we’ll go back to our kids and make sure they know we resolved that. We don’t just let the fight sit in the air forever. We’ve got to be people that bring resolution and work it out and get back to life and peace as quickly as we can. It’s okay to feel anger, but you have to deal with it. Scripture says do not be easily offended, so some things we just have to let go, but some things we need to address. I have learned the older I get, the more I let go. The reason that’s true is because I have realized more and more that people are sinners and I’m a sinner. I hope other people let things roll off their back too, because I know I hurt people! When you can’t let it roll of your back, you’ve got to deal with it or talk about it.
What is anger? Do I have a right to be angry when I’m wronged?
Absolutely. There is a lot of injustice in our world right now. I have had to close my laptop after reading a news story or seeing someone explode online, I have to process it and decide if there is a place I need to speak to or do something. But sometimes I just need to get outside or be with my kids or cook a meal and do something life-giving. We’re carrying the burdens of the whole wide world, and that is very heavy and difficult. There are fights each of us feel called to fight and pick up - in this season it feels like everybody is called to every fight and that’s not true - but I would say there are times to be angry. There are injustices and times to be upset and act. But I would say be slow to that anger. Weigh that anger with community. Before I post anything that could come off as strong, I’ll run it by a few people and get their perspective first. I don’t ever feel something and then just post. Same things with our words in real life - we should work through with community why we feel what we’re feeling. Is the thing your spouse said this morning the thing that’s really making you mad? Or underneath it, is there something deeper you need to process?
I feel like I have a short fuse all the time - what do I do?
I get this. This is more in line with my family - we say what we think a lot. Even though it’s good to talk about what we’re feeling, we still need to process it alone and in a healthy way first. That short fuse - I would say, get to the bottom of that. You might need a counselor or just get together with a group of good friends and just admit it! Tell them you’re losing your temper all the time and I feel so irritable. Then ask them to dissect that with you and figure out why. Sometimes there are things in our control - you’ve been trying to homeschool, work, take care of your kids, run errands, clean my house all by myself and I’m losing my mind. That’s not reasonable! Get help - whatever that looks like for you. Get kids to help with chores, hire a tutor. What does it look like to solve some of those problems so your life is working again? Then you could be more productive and not be so irritable. We’ve got to be realistic that we all have our limits. Rather than being irritable and punishing the people in your life forever, send out a little flare. Tell them you’re struggling. Ask them for help. I would say if you feel like you can’t do that, it’s an unhealthy relationship. You need a counselor or mentor or somebody in your life helping you with that relationship. If you can’t talk straight with each other that you’re drowning, and you have to be passive aggressive and irritable all the time, that’s not working. That’s not a healthy relationship. Be sure your communication is as clear and blunt as possible.
What’s a good test to know if my anger is Godly or sinful?
This is such a good one! I think we have justified what is Godly anger when it’s really just we’re in a bad mood and we’re taking it out on other people. I’ve found that in constructive, Godly anger there is a resolution or an aim we’re trying to get to. We’re seeking reconciliation. We’re not just out there angry for the sake of being angry! My friend Tasha taught me this. Anger for the sake of anger does no good. You have to know what the goal is. What does relational reconciliation look like, and work towards that. Whatever you feel in your heart about what’s wrong in the world, your home, yourself, whatever - be sure there is a goal that is reasonable and attainable and that you’re working toward it. Godly anger has resolution and an end in mind. It has a holy, justice-centered goal in mind that is possible. Just being mad for the sake of being mad is not Godly. Dissension and division is not of God, so we’ve got to notice it, name it, repent of it, and bring resolution.
