Expectations in Marriage with Dr. Paul Tripp
We tend to go into marriage with expectations. This is true for almost every relationship in our lives.
We have ideals of how the other person should be. But when the person inevitably doesn’t meet our expectations, the relationship becomes strained.
After 50 years of marriage, Dr. Paul Tripp and his wife have navigated relationship expectations and more. So, there is no better person to explore the subject.
In this edited conversation, Dr. Paul Tripp tells us about marriage and the dangers of expectations.
The biblical view of marriage is that it's a flawed person married to another flawed person in a fallen world, but with a faithful God.
If you don't consider that fact before going into marriage, then you’ll be shocked when that person disappoints you.
The Root of Expectations
Sin reduces your field of concern down to your wants, needs, and feelings. When this happens in a marriage, desires become demands, and those demands get christened as needs. Then these needs form expectations, and this produces disappointment. Disappointment then results in some aspect of punishment.
It's not wrong to have desires, but selfishness turns those desires into demands.
You then make it your spouse’s job to make you happy, whereas that’s God’s job.
When you communicate your wants as needs, you effectively make your spouse the slave of your desires. This turns marriage into a self-serving institution because you’re marrying someone for what you think they should do for you. This is a backwards way to view marriage.
Know the Difference Between Unrealistic Expectations and Valid Relational Needs
In Romans, Paul reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). It’s a basic human desire to be loved, and to still be loved even when we reveal the more shameful parts of ourselves. The Bible tells us that God knows your deepest, darkest, crazy self, and He still loves you.
It's not wrong to desire love.
However, it’s wrong to place conditions on how you want to be loved on others.
If you refuse to accept someone’s love because they don’t deliver all your desires, the deepest craving of your heart will never be satisfied by marriage.
To put that on a spouse is asking your husband or wife to be your personal Messiah. A person that's still being changed by God's grace will never deliver that to you because they’re not perfect.
Your spouse will have a bad day. This is a natural part of life. At times, there may even be minor conflicts. If you married your spouse for what they can give you, those small misunderstandings become huge. You won’t allow yourself to see their imperfection because you’ve turned your spouse into your Messiah.
When you rely on God for all the love you crave, you’ll understand that your spouse is human, and therefore imperfect. You’ll start to approach the situation with grace. Grace enables a desire to understand and help, instead of resorting to resentment and punishment.
Dealing With Disappointment in Your Marriage
Even when we’re in it for the right reasons, hurt and disappointment can happen. You can experience the highest of joys and the deepest of sorrows, and that is the reality of marriage. If you deny that reality, you only make momentary peace. But God meets us in those moments.
Dealing with disappointment by placing your happiness in another person will only make things worse.
If the person you turned into the carrier of your happiness isn’t loving you as “they should,” then minor disagreements are worsened.
God is your hope, strength, encouragement, and source of happiness.
Equipped with this knowledge, you have the means of having inner peace while still trying to work on your marriage. If your spouse doesn't love as God designed for you to be loved, confess your disappointment calmly and with grace. And because that person is not your Messiah, you won’t be depressed by the disappointment. Rather, you’ll find ways of working through it.
The most liberating thing you can do for your spouse is to not tie your happiness and identity to them.
This will enable your husband or wife to play the role of being a spouse and friend because your life doesn't begin and end with them.
The Line Between Codependence and Healthy Expectations
We've been given the capacity to desire. However, that can be bad when it becomes the ruling thing. It's not wrong to desire that your husband or wife would love you as God called for you to be loved. But, if that desire becomes the biggest thing in your life, it will take you and your marriage down.
In all of this, it’s important to remember that only God can love you perfectly. When you have something that gives you a reason to continue beyond just your spouse’s love, you’ll come out of any season with your marriage intact.
In all of this, it’s important to remember that only God can love you perfectly. When you have something that gives you a reason to continue beyond just your spouse’s love, you’ll come out of any season with your marriage intact.
Blowing minor disagreements out of proportion could be a sign that your spouse is failing the expectations you set for them. If your response does not correspond to the size of a situation, then you’re not fighting about that situation.
You’re carrying deep disappointment because you’ve been hit with the shock that you married someone who won't make life paradise for you. And that can spiral into codependence.
Common expectations in any marriage are love, trust, forgiveness, and dealing with our differences with grace. Those are all wonderful expectations, and it's not wrong to have them. You should never let your spouse off the hook for things that God calls them to. You should deal with that with patience, forgiveness, truth speaking, and grace. This may be difficult to do, so
You must embrace the fact that only God has the power to change the heart of your spouse.
In your marriage, you must be a tool in the hands of God because His way is the best. When you are gracious, loving, kind, patient, and forgiving, you’re building a ramp that gives you a platform for being heard.
Speak the truth in love. A truth that's not spoken in love ceases to be truth because it gets bent and twisted by other emotions and agendas.
Healing Through the Gospel
When you live with someone for decades, moments of hurt are inevitable. In those moments, the very simple act of loving and being there for each other can begin the healing process. Obeying God and loving each other as Christ loves the church begins healing, which enables you to deal with any challenges in your marriage.
The gospel is big enough for a hard marriage.
When God is your main source of fulfillment, you won’t settle for surface level happiness or a Western cultural definition of romance. True romance is the result of a good marriage. There is no pit of a relationship so deep that God's grace cannot reach.
The Bible says to confess your faults to one another, pray, and you'll be healed (James 5:16). So, be honest about what you're going through in your marriage. Believe that God is for you, in you, and with you. Seek help, and watch what God will do.
This was only a snippet of our conversation with Dr. Paul Tripp. You can listen to the full episode at the top of this page. Additionally, you can find all of Dr. Paul Tripp’s resources and books right here.
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