An Important Conversation on Suicide
with Kayla Stoecklein
At the young age of 29, Kayla found herself living a life she never could have imagined. She was a widow and a single mom to three adorable boys who were all under the age of 6. Kayla lost her husband, Andrew Stoecklein, to suicide and she continues to use her story to educate and empower others. She has documented her healing journey through books, blog posts, and social media to help others on their healing journeys.
Before you read this, we wanted to give a warning to minors. This interview deals with heavy topics like grief and suicide. We pray this conversation leads to healing and helps inspire new ways we can love others through deep valleys.
Kayla recently shared her story with Jennie on the Made for This podcast. This is the edited interview:
Let's start with your story. What was the precipice for all of this in your life?
Kayla: About four and a half years ago, I was living my dream life. I had everything I could have ever hoped for and more. I was married to Andrew, and we led a thriving, growing church in Southern California called Inland Hills Church. We had three little boys together, and we were loving ministry.
In the fall of 2017, things started to shift for our family. My husband started experiencing panic attacks, which eventually led to a depression diagnosis. We had been through a lot of hardships in the early years of our marriage. Andrew had lost his father, who was the lead pastor of the church. He was trying to take on this big responsibility, and I think that all caught up with him.
We were doing everything we needed to heal my husband’s mind. He was taking time off work, meeting with a psychiatrist, and taking medication. We saw a therapist together for two hours every week. He'd spend time with mentors, in solitude, and with just me at times. We were doing everything we could to heal his mind and body.
By the end of that summer in 2018, the doctors thought he was getting better. Andrew also felt like he was getting better. And so, they thought the next step would be for him to go back to work. He hit the ground running and gave two powerful messages on the topic of mental health.
On the third weekend back at work, Andrew had a really bad day at the office. Now, his mind was still super fragile. He had told our family that he was at about 65%, and he was hoping to ease back into ministry over time. That day sent his mind into a tailspin that he wasn't able to recover from.
We knew that his mind was much sicker than we initially thought. So, we were on the phone trying to find an in-patient facility the following morning. We were trying to cover all our bases so that we could go to him with solutions and reassure him that he would be okay. Our family was away from him for just a bit when he attempted suicide.
He was rushed to the hospital, where they ran a bunch of tests. They had gotten his heart to beat again, but he was gone. And so, God gave us the gift of one last day with him. We really got to say goodbye. On August 25, 2018, Andrew took his last breath.
So, I was thrust into this very unexpected life as a 29-year-old widow with three little boys who were two, four, and five years old.
Had suicide ever been part of the conversation? Did you live in fear of that?
Kayla: There was one time when Andrew seriously mentioned suicide. We had been in this depression season for months and I was burnt out. I was not really taking care of myself, which is an important aspect of being a caregiver to somebody who’s struggling with mental illness. And so, I was depleted.
We were sitting at the kitchen counter, and I was trying to vent to Andrew about how hard this all was. He explained that he was struggling too. He said he had thought about killing himself the previous night. In that moment of exhaustion, depletion, and an overall unhealthy state, I was unable to respond with a heart of love. I reacted out of my own emptiness and emotion and said all the things you're not supposed to say. I told him suicide was the most selfish thing he could do. I totally disregarded what he was trying to say to me.
It's been four and a half years, and I've been talking about our story a lot. Now I know that it's important to respond with a heart of love in that moment.
It's important to take a deep breath, lean in, and ask questions. Ask questions like: Do you have a suicide plan? What problem are you trying to solve with your suicide? Do you know when or how you would do it?
Then, direct the person to a crisis hotline. I wish I had just picked up the phone and called the suicide hotline or texted the Crisis Text Line about what my husband had told me. It's also important to clue in the people you have around you. I should have told the psychiatrist, the psychologist, and a few of Andrew’s best friends.
Thoughts of suicide cannot stay in the dark.
They have to be brought into the light.
Although there are things that I wish I had said, I know suicide is complicated. We're not usually prepared to have that conversation, and it comes up very unexpectedly. If we're not taking care of ourselves, then we're not going to be prepared to handle something like that.
Have you been hearing a lot of other people's stories as you’ve told yours over the last few years?
Kayla: Absolutely. At the very beginning of this journey, I was able to see that the loss of Andrew and what happened to our family was so much bigger than us. I had people stopping me at the boys’ school drop off.
I was blogging, writing, and being really authentic and transparent with the things I was learning about suicide. And so, I felt compelled to share what I was learning. I had a mom stop me about a month into my loss. She thanked me for a blog post I wrote and said her husband checked himself into rehab because of it.
People were telling me how my public grief has saved their lives. They would tell me how they finally reached out for help because of something I had written or shared. I was able to see that God is already at work to redeem this story, and I got to play a small part in that redemption.
It's been a really beautiful, painful, wonderful, and terrible process.
And it can be too emotional to tap back into that place. I never want to share my story and be detached from it. So, it's important to me that it's still raw and real because that was really my life. I was really Andrew's wife, and that terrible thing really happened. And all this good has also come from it.
Were you ever mad at God? Have you found yourself torn between not wanting this very painful experience and how God is using your story to heal others?
Kayla: Absolutely. It's a constant wrestling with God. I’ve questioned why God allowed this tragedy to happen to our family when we had already been through so much. I'm raising these three beautiful, amazing, incredible boys on my own, and it's a lot.
I would have never signed up for this life or imagined that this would be my life. I would never have signed up for this life, even with all the good that's come through our story. And so, it is this constant wrestling and surrender.
When something terrible happens, we often cling so tightly to what was. I was holding so tightly to this life that I had and was proud of. I was so proud to be Andrew Stoecklein’s wife. I was so proud to be a pastor's wife. I was so proud of the life we were building together. And I've had to let go of my clinging to step into the new thing that God wants to do in my life.
And so, I’ve been wrestling, stepping towards, and embracing my pain. It’s been a process of learning to live with the pain. The biggest lesson has been that the pain never really goes away. On most days, it's bearable. Sometimes it's totally unbearable. So, it's definitely an ebb and flow.
Have you wrestled being mad at Andrew?
Kayla: No, I really haven't. There are moments where I throw my hands up and laugh in disbelief that I'm doing this all by myself. But since the very beginning, I've been able to have empathy and compassion for him. I know that depression is a sickness and that Andrew’s mind was sick. If he were in a healthy state of mind, that wouldn’t have happened.
And so, I've been able to shift the way I talk about suicide. I don't say “committed suicide” anymore.
I've learned that the best way to talk about suicide is to say “they died by suicide” because that's what happened. When we attach the word “committed” to phrases like suicide, it puts shame and blame onto the shoulders of the person who died.
That small shift in language is huge, and it points the finger to the sickness instead of the person. I've been able to talk about suicide that way with my kids. It's been so important for me to talk about that and see suicide in that way, not as something that Andrew chose.
Unless you have been here and have attempted suicide, you have no idea what that moment is like. And so, all I can do is have empathy and compassion. My heart just breaks for Andrew at that moment. And I have no idea what that moment was like for him.
Andrew’s psychiatrist and the team of doctors who were surrounding him were totally surprised by this because they thought he was getting better.
I'll never forget his psychiatrist telling me that 90% of suicides are impulsive. So, it truly is an in-the-moment, overwhelming flood of pain. And it's a moment that we'll never be able to get back.
Andrew was preaching about mental health and had, in some ways, walked out of it enough to give perspective to many people. It looked like he was struggling, despite being a crusader for this. Was that part of what made it hard, or do you think God used that?
Kayla: One headline read: “30-year-old pastor who preached about mental illness dies by suicide.” Out of anybody, he would have known where to go for help. And I think that’s a reminder that pastors are people too. They're not invincible.
Pastors can get sick just like the rest of us, and Andrew's mind was sick. What happened wasn't his fault. He just happened to be talking about mental illness and mental health. He should have known where to go for help, and we should have known where to go for help. But that's not what happened.
I think God has been able to use that for good. God opened all these doors for me to share our story and talk about suicide and mental health in a lot of ministry spaces. It's been such a gift to be a part of opening up that conversation in the church to bridge the gap between mental health and ministry.
You’ve released a book titled ‘Rebuilding Beautiful’ Talk a bit about the writing process.
Kayla: My first book was ‘Spirit Gone Wild,’ which I wrote that during the first year of grief. That was the hardest book to write. I'm so grateful that I wrote it when I did because it'd be a completely different book if I wrote it now. The second book was so beautiful and different than the first one.
Every chapter is a standalone chapter. I broke it down into five processes that have been helpful in my healing journey – embrace, heal, explore, dream, and live. And there are short chapters in each part.
I discuss what it looks like to embrace our pain and let go of the victim mentality. In the book, I describe the victim mentality as being camped out in the cemetery. I physically had to move in order to leave the cemetery. I was living only a few miles from the church that we led and everywhere I went, I was reminded of a life that was no longer mine. I couldn't even go to the store without passing the physical cemetery where Andrew was laid to rest.
We packed up our life and moved just an hour south towards the ocean. It's been really beautiful and empowering to see what God has done in that move. It's inspired me to try things I would have never tried before, and I think that's part of the rebuilding process.
Rebuilding means being willing to look at the shrapnel of our life and say, “God, what new dreams are you planting in this new life? What is the vision you have for my life, and how am I going to get there?”
I never would have thought that I would write a book, raise three boys on my own, or remodel a house by myself. And by the grace of God, I've done all those things in the last four and a half years. We’re rebuilding our lives, dreams, and our future. This process is not very beautiful to begin with, but when you show up and continue to work hard, you'll eventually able to stand in a beautiful place.
I hope the book will inspire and encourage people to see that there is another version of beautiful that's going to be completely different. It's never going to look like it did before, but beauty is still possible even here. We just have to show up, invite God into the messy rebuilding process, and ask Him to open those doors for us. We then trust and surrender every step of the way.
We pray that this conversation leads to healing and helps inspire new ways that we can love others through deep valleys. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide or needs emotional support, reach out to a trained crisis worker at the suicide and crisis lifeline network by dialing 988. The Lifeline is available 24/7 across the United States and is free and confidential. Talking with someone about your thoughts and feelings can save your life. You can also get your copy of Kayla's newest book here to follow her healing journey.
