Holding on to Your People
Friendships are amongst the purest, most meaningful human relationships, and they look different for each of us. Some people have had one or two since pre-school or elementary, and others have had several friend groups throughout the different phases of their lives.
Because of the intrinsic nature of friendships, I centered a whole chapter of my book around the topic. If I’m being honest, I could (and probably will) write a whole book about this topic. Today’s blog is a commentary on the traps to friendship. We all know that once we get our friends, we must keep them.
So, what does it look like to stay close and be in a deep, rich community?
It looks like avoiding the traps that the enemy sets for us; traps that often derail healthy, great friendships. You may have noticed that you’re struggling to keep your good friends. And so, today I’m walking you through some of the traps you should avoid in your relationships.
Trap #1 – Codependency
Many of us know how it feels to get that friend you’ve been looking for, the heaven-sent friend you're so grateful to finally have. While this is a valid feeling to have, it could derail your friendship. Your expectations could be wildly higher than your friend’s, and you might put a lot of hope on a friendship that consistently fails you.
Firstly, relationships always go wrong when God is not in the center. When you expect your friend to fill your cup and provide emotional support in ways that go beyond their capacity, you will always be disappointed. In fact, you're going to drain the life out of that friendship. So, it's good to have candid conversations when you realize you put unfair expectations on your friend. Let your friend know that you’re working on yourself and your expectations.
As you put that friendship in its proper place, it can heal. However, there may be too much damage and it’s okay to walk away. There are times when a break and some space may be necessary.
I am not saying you should hold on to every friend you have for the rest of your life. Sometimes friendship goes in different directions, and that's a good thing. But it’s important to keep your feelings in check. Notice if you consistently feel discouraged and disappointed by the person. An extreme reaction to someone might be evidence that you've idolized them. That is probably a sign that you have put too much expectation and dependency on a person instead of God.
Trap #2 – Independence
At times, we think we can do everything and work through our problems on our own. We forget how great an outside perspective can be when faced with problems. A friend might ask you questions that can give you a different perspective. They can help you figure out your emotions and come up with solutions you wouldn’t get if you kept to yourself.
“I would encourage you to let people in as you're processing situations.”
Trap #3 – Busyness
[This is one of the biggest traps to adult friendships.]
We tend to think we’re too busy to spend time with friends, but there will always be something to do.
So, are you busy? Great, bring people along with you. The busyness trap will get you, so do not be afraid to bring friendships into your crazy. Ask them to join you as you run errands or go for a walk. Do the things you need to do but do them with people.
Trap #4 – Gossip
This is probably the hardest trap for people to LET GO of. For many people, gossip is second nature. People talk about their friends without even processing what they're struggling with, and this destroys the safety of your friendships.
You will never have safe, comfortable, life-giving friendships if you are a gossip or if you let it happen in your group. If you have a group of friends that you absolutely love but they gossip, then you’ve got to put it out.
“I don't think relationships work well without ground rules, so you should set some ground rules with your friends.”
If you’re nervous about bringing this up with your friends, be brave. Trust me, they’ll appreciate it because everybody knows that if they're gossiping about other people with you, they're gossiping about you when you're not there. So, it’s not a safe friendship for them either. Remind each other when you get off track and change the subject because gossip sucks the life out of friendships.
Trap #5 – Comparison
This is such a sneaky one because it’s not always obvious. Most people struggle with this, and they don't tell other people that they’re struggling with it. But you've got to be honest with yourself if this is something you’re struggling with.
The more you keep it inside, the bigger it grows, and the enemy loves the darkness.
If you keep that comparison, envy, or jealousy inside, it's going to eat you up. You've got to say it out loud to somebody. You may not need to say it to that friend, but it’s important to tell somebody and then pray about it. This is where “Get Out of Your Head” comes in handy. That is how you fight the enemy. You use the Spirit of God, the Word of God, and the people of God to fight your sin.
Comparison causes you to not celebrate other people. And so, instead of enjoying the friendship, you come home discouraged and inadequate. That steals the joy of friendship.
Trap #6 – Laziness
Many people would rather watch Netflix than initiate friendships. You need to step out of your comfort zone and initiate friendships or interactions with existing friends. It will bring you so much joy because life will bring amazing twists and turns. You’ll be able to join small groups, whether that’s a book club, a dinner club, or even a running club. That is the reward of not being lazy and taking the initiative.
Trap #7 – Fear
I’ve recently had to be brave and put myself out there.
I had to tell people I needed them and just embrace the awkwardness of friendship. As I embraced the fear, those friendships developed. Not everyone that I pursued reciprocated the friendship, but enough people did. My life is filled with amazing people, and I'm grateful for that.
Bonus Tip:
Know When to Walk Away
There is a time to leave a friendship.
There are times when you feel like a relationship is stealing your joy, your health, and even hurting your marriage. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. I often joke that we’re too quick to set them, but sometimes that's needed. If you’re in a toxic friendship, then you've got to set boundaries.
You may notice these traps in yourself or even your friends. So, it’s important to have these conversations and make sure that it's not an issue of just working through something they're willing to change.
“If they're not willing to change after multiple conversations, then it's okay to move on and find healthier friendships.”
I'm a huge fan of local churches. When you get into a healthy local church that loves and preaches the Bible and find gracious, humble people, that is worth starting over. It's worth finding those people – the right people.
This blog post only scratches the surface of what we discuss in our podcast. So, do check the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. My FREE ‘Find Your People’ study guide goes even deeper into the Scripture and topics I talk about in the book.
‘Find Your People’ is available at all retailers and on Amazon. We recommend starting with the book and then reading the bible guide.
