Telling Your Story Could Change Everything
Most of us are scared to share our stories. We fear the possible repercussions of sharing the most embarrassing parts of ourselves.
But telling your story is the path to healing.
Jim Cofield and his wife are firm believers in the healing power of confession. They offer pastoral care that is psychologically sensitive, historically informed, biblically based, and relationally focused. Through CrossPoint Ministry, they give people a safe place to share their stories. In this edited interview, Jim tells us about the importance of telling your story.
What's your first go-to thing when someone comes into your office with burnout symptoms?
Jim: We typically get burned out because we're acting out of compulsion more than a calling. Compulsions are typically defenses to protect us from some wound or to find identity in something. As a result, we overwork ourselves to be in service of that identity and our worth. I get to find out what those compulsions are through a person's story.
The first thing I do is ask someone to slow down and tell me their story, as far back as they can remember. I ask about the emotional climate between their parents, and how they learned to talk about emotions. I dig deep into events of their childhood, traumatic or otherwise.
Through insightful questions, I get a picture of why we do what we do. People are trying to do well, and they don’t always achieve that goal. And when they don’t, they try to figure out why they’re not doing well. We can only find the answer by exploring our stories. By telling your story, you find out where you're overdoing things.
We aren't creatures that typically think about why we do what we do. So, how can we know when we’re missing something about ourselves?
Jim: A lot is going on below the waterline of consciousness. Neurologists say about 90% of what we do comes from a subconscious motivation, understanding, and templates of what we expect to happen. So, we need to let that reveal itself to know more about ourselves.
Our implicit memory contains all the things we learned without paying attention, and that is mostly how to relate. We learned from our parents, caregivers, and our environment. When trying to help people, we try to reveal what's in that implicit world. And your story helps reveal that.
The more you talk about your story with someone that will listen empathically and ask good questions, the more likely you are to access the implicit world.
If you’re not in a financial position to get therapy, you can get with a loved one who will ask good clarification questions about your story
Some people, myself included, feel like they can choose happiness by not thinking about the hard things in our past. What would you say to someone that still feels anxious about sharing their story?
Jim: What we don't own about ourselves will own us. It takes a lot of self-awareness to own it instead of running from it. And it is scary at times to pursue, especially when you have been traumatized or hurt. But what we don't own winds up messing with us relationally. We sometimes deal with pain by ignoring it, thinking it will go away.
Shame, fear, and guilt are the three primary inhibiting emotions to our spiritual and emotional growth. So, we all develop strategies to deal with it. Some people deal with fear by getting the facts because knowledge makes them feel safer. Other people ignore the issue altogether. However, ignorance of our issues will influence how we go about our relationships.
The good news in all of this is that Jesus tells us not to be afraid because He is with us. And you need someone who loves you, is for you, and walks with you. Jesus provides a safe place for you.
What is the power in saying something out loud?
Jim: We’re relational beings at our core. We are created in the image of our social relational God – Father, Son, and Spirit. We have the only God that is relational, a Triune God. So, our emotions are in service of helping us relationally.
If at our core we're relational beings, but our realtionships feel broken, is this out of our control? What would you say to people who are frustrated with the reality of broken relationships?
Jim: A lot of people were not exposed to healthy relationship models during childhood. From a Christian perspective, that's the result of the fall in Genesis 3. That's where relationships got severed and sin tore things apart.
Wounds make it harder to form relationships. So, if you’re from a tough family, you’ll have to unlearn a lot of the behaviors that were modeled for you and adopt new ones. One of the ways to do that is to get around people who know how to do it.
If you want to be a healthy person, get around healthy people and learn from them.
Even Jesus said it's important to have unity and love because you're teaching people how to be whole again and how to love. A lot of people have never had that, but the church can be a new family where people learn a new way of relating. Owning your pain is naming it and accepting that you need to work on it with the help of the Spirit. In so doing, you’ll figure out things from which you need healing.
What you call exploring, most people would call shame. But we have a choice to explore what informs our actions or just be in disbelief about what we discover. Are these the only choices we have?
Jim: Yes, we have agency and choice. So, by the power of the Spirit, we ask for God’s help because He has given us the capacity for volition. But the reality is that we can't do it by ourselves. We need to have others helping us, people who know our stories. Someone needs to know about all of you if you’re going to be a healthy person.
We cannot talk about being a healthy person without talking about healthy relationships. Most people might realize that nobody knows their entire story. So, how do we begin?
Jim: We talk about it. If no one knows your story, there’s a good chance that you don't know it either. When you start talking, things come up that you haven't thought of in years. This reflection then prompts you to find out how things from your past have seeped into your present actions. You get these light bulb moments that inspire further introspection.
With that level of self-awareness, you’ll be able to ask the Lord for healing and repentance.
You can only get healthy by telling your story to people who love you. As you tell more of your story, you’ll grow to own it more.
What would you say to someone who doesn’t have someone in their lives to tell their story to?
Jim: The first step is always to own it. If you can come to that and admit that you need help, you’re on the right track to healing. Then, you can find a community or someone to talk to. You may be vulnerable enough to start talking with your spouse about stories you haven't shared before and see what happens there. We can't be healthy without the help of others.
Sometimes we just need the jumpstart or tune-up that a counselor can provide. A therapist allows you to look under the hood and make sure you’re in a healthy emotional and mental space.
So, what is a healthy person? What are we shooting for?
Jim: A healthy person knows how to be loved and then love others.
A lot of people don't have friends. They don’t even know how to have friends. I hope this post has helped you introspect and find your people. Building a community is a vulnerable and often awkward process, but it will be worth it. You may need to pay for a counselor first, especially if you’ve tried hard to build a community but have not succeeded. Maybe you need to hear the truth from someone that you pay or a church counselor. But ultimately, the hope is that we’ll have that support not just from therapists, but from friends.
This was a snippet from Jim’s interview with Jennie. You can listen to the full episode at the top of this page, and the first episode he did with us here. Visit CrossPoint Ministry to learn more about Jim and his ministry. His book with Richard Plass, titled, ‘The Relational Soul’ is an incredible read. You can grab your copy here.
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