Choosing to Stay can be Simple and Possible
Once you have your people, not letting them go and deciding to stay can be the hardest part. You'll have to face hurt and go through conflict. You’re going to have to stay, even when it isn’t easy anymore.
Our hope is that if you put these 3 questions, 2 scriptures, and 1 challenge into action, the culture of your relationships will change for the better.
The deeper and more intimate your relationships become, the more complicated and messy it gets. However, this is actually the best part.
In culture today, relationships are disposable. Marriages and friendships are disposable. As soon as they get hard, we’re quick to walk away. It's part of what's broken in our culture.
But if we commit to each other, this can change.
We’re part of a small group where we’re all committed to each other. It’s scary. In fact, there have been times when it hasn’t been easy. We’ve fought and we’ve had to hang on to each other. At some points, it would’ve been easier to walk away. But we've committed. All of us are all in, and we’ve already decided to stay together. It's been 5 years now.
Different people have wanted out of the group or wanted to walk away because they've been hurt or they don't feel known or connected. But we’ve all done the work to stay, and this work has made it so rich.
Now, our kids are friends with each others kids. We know each other's marriages and spouses well. We travel together. We care about each other deeply.
This kind of long-term relationship is shaping every part of our lives. It's shaping our kids, our finances, our work and more. Together we’re doing life deeply, and it's changing everything.
3 Questions
#1. Has a fight ever made a relationship stronger in your life? Or has it ended it?
#2. What is your plan for consistent connection?
To have consistent connection you need to have a plan. Together, you have to define what this looks like for the relationship. You must communicate that you’re committed and that you’re in it for the long run. You have to say this, so that both sides aren’t tempted to walk away too easily.
You can be accountable to them when you've said, “hey, we're going to do life together and I don't want you to just quit when it gets hard.” Have these conversations on the front end.
#3. How have you given up too easily in the past?
Are there any relationships that you need to go restore? Maybe you've given up on someone that you're convicted about. If they were a good friend to you, and maybe you could work it out, it might be worth a phone call. It might be worth a coffee date to say, “hey, I don't want to end this friendship this easily. I want us to work this out.”
At times, the other side may not reciprocate. They might have moved on, and they might not be willing to reengage. You can't control that. We are called to live by Romans 12:18 which says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” But sometimes you can't if the other side isn’t willing. And that’s okay.
2 Scriptures
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
It’s messy and costly to bear burdens with one another, admonish one another, and forgive one another. Have you ever done any of those things? It’s not poetic, and it can be brutal.
This is commitment language. This is saying, “I'm not going to leave you when it gets messy and hard.”
While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.” Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.
Jesus was eating the bread and drinking the cup with the people that would betray him within hours of that meal. He was showing and demonstrating the forgiveness that the people were about to encounter because of the cross.
At one point he says, “as often as you break bread, remember me.” Every time we break bread, we’re to remember Jesus.
For our family, this means praying before meals. Also, there's a consistency to it that we would remember the cross, remember each other and walk through life and difficulties together remembering what Jesus has done for us.
When we remember this regularly as Scripture calls us to, and we’re committed to this, then there's a sense of grace that floods our conversations in our meals together. It infuses into our relationships because there's this idea that you're supposed to eat together. You're supposed to sit down and have meals together.
We eat about 3 times a day. Hopefully, you're not doing that alone every day. If you are, change that. We have to choose to do life and meals together with people. So clock those hours together over food. It's one of the greatest ways that we can be together and experience deep community.
When we remember what Jesus has done for us, we’re able to forgive others. This is what the gospel does. It’s because of the blood of Jesus.
The cup he served his disciples was how he forgave them. It was the way they were going to be right with him again, even though they were destined to hurt him over and over.
The forgiveness of our sins makes it possible for us to be in right standing with God, and with each other, even though we hurt each other. Jesus took on the sins of the world. He did that to be reconciled with us so that we can be with Him forever.
Then, because we’re forgiven, we are to forgive others. Think of the Lord's prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), God forgives us of our sins and helps us forgive those who have sinned against us. That is how we pray every day. It's part of the air we breathe.
Life is about a relationship with God, and with each other. The way that we get to be part of this is to make the choice to stay. To make the choice to not quit.
We have to lean into relationships even when they're difficult, because on the other side of that difficulty might just be the best part.
1 Challenge
Who do you need to make amends with? Who do you need to reconcile with? Reach out to them.
You could say, “hey, I realize we've grown distant and I wanted to reach out and say I miss you. I'd love to make things right.”
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