Finding Your Family

Our families and the church are two huge topics that are loaded, difficult, and can be heated. Nobody has caused more hurt in so many of our lives than our families. And no one besides family has caused more hurt than the local church.

However, I’ve heard stories of repair and hope. Through this project, I’ve heard stories from some people who have reached out to people they love and done their best to restore or repair a relationship. That has certainly been one of my prayers around this project.

Family is a beautiful gift, even if it's imperfect

If you've read the book, you know that I get pretty honest specifically about my relationship with my dad. We have a great relationship now, but I grew up very wounded by my dad. I felt a lot of pressure from him, and I felt like I never could measure up. Candidly, there was a guard every time I was around him and I was scared of him. I would get hurt because I cared so much about what he thought. 

My dad did so much right. He tucked us in at night and he was a leader in our family and in the church. He provided for us, he gave us amazing experiences and loved us. He still loves us and dotes on us.

Everybody would kill for someone to take care of them the way that my dad took care of us. Yet, there were deficits in his parenting and there were places where I felt very hurt by my dad. I did a lot of counseling, came back to him, and talked about it.

My dad gave me permission to write about this story in the book. He’s amazing. He told me, “I want to glorify God, and if that means I have to look bad in your books, I receive that.” But he doesn't look bad. He actually looks like a loving dad that wasn't perfect. And that’s all of us, people who aren’t perfect.

When I decided to talk to him, I couldn't figure out exactly how I wanted him to respond. I couldn't see a “win”. Yet, by talking to him I was being obedient. I felt like the Lord was telling me to pull up an anchor that I had in my life where I’d been hurt.

So I read him a letter, and his response was so beautiful. I never dreamt in a million years that he would do this, but he cried and said, “this wasn't your fault.” He was so humble and talked about his family, his parents, and his upbringing. It was beautiful because it was really restorative and healing. Our relationship has been so much better since that point on. I’m so grateful I did it.

Not everybody's family is going to respond that way, but they could. Sometimes we decide how things will go before they happen, so we write people off and pull away.

But we rarely tell the truth. We have to use our words. 

Some people may be coming from toxic, abusive families. And that’s not what I'm talking about. However, some of us are just annoyed and bothered. That’s what I'm talking about.

I'm approaching the age where my kids are grown, thinking for themselves and building their own lives. And I want them to tell me the truth.

This might not be for everybody, and maybe it isn’t for your family, but I’d challenge you to give it one try. See if they would respond to the hurts that they might’ve caused in your life.

Now if you can let the hurts go, let them go and prioritize family. God gave us family as protection in our lives. But if you can't, then scripture is pretty clear; don't let a root of bitterness take hold of you (Hebrews 12:15). Just say, “hey, this is what's hard and this is what has hurt me”, and see how it goes.

When it comes to family, it might feel easier to not be intentional and to not pursue healing. And you’re right, it would be easier. But family should be a rich, beautiful gift in your life, even if it’s imperfect. There’s nothing else like it. Family is connected and committed to you in a way that nobody else is because of history and blood.

The Local Church as a Family

For some of you, family is not an option. And for some of you, your family is broken beyond repair. This is why God sets us in local churches. It's why the local church should mean so much to us, because through the church we are given a family. 

The language used in scripture is that we're a body, and that we work together as one. We are a family. Christ is the bridegroom, and we are the bride. 

We’re on mission together, and we’re called to do life together in a unique way that stands out in the world. 

The scriptures say that people are going to know you by your love for one another (John 13:35). This is how others can know that we’re believers. We take care of one another. Another verse says that God sets the fatherless in families. When you don't have a family he provides one for you (John 14:18). This is what the local church is supposed to be. 

I saw this when my husband and I started a church, and there were about 150 people there. We would have potluck lunches after church, we would be in and out of each other's lives, and we would help each other raise each other's kids. It was so precious and intimate. 

We were so connected to each other. There were so many great parts about it. We almost required when you became a member that you would go through a ‘Celebrate Recovery’ type of class. We confessed sin to each other and understood each other.

It was safe. You could bring anything to the group and we would be there for each other.

People were drawn to this church because of our love for each other. People came and joined the church, not because we had anything to offer, but because they were drawn to the relationships we had and the family that we were to each other.

This is how we're supposed to do it. 

Maybe you go to a big church. In a big church, it’s through smaller groups that we can go deep and commit to each other. It’s not just a once-a-month little gathering. For example, in my small group we meeting weekly as women, regularly as couples, and we're in each other's business. We build a family wherever we are. 

If you don't live near your family or if you're estranged from your family, you can join the closest local church that you have. You can serve there and make friends of all ages. Start with the local church.

And that church will hurt you because it's full of sinners. It will disappoint you. It won’t be a perfect family. There are no perfect people, perfect families, or perfect churches. However, God built a way for us to live differently. We can get hurt, but we can still fight for people because of his love.

1 Peter 2:24 says “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

The verse before that talks about how people hurled their insults at Jesus, but he did not retaliate. When he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He waited on his father to judge him. He did not worry about how people treated him. 

The passage goes on to talk about how Jesus died for our sins. Even the people that were hurting him, throwing insults at him, and nailing him to a cross, He died for them. That is what we believe. Therefore, when we’re hurt, we're able to forgive.

This is the world we live in. It's broken, difficult, and messy. We get hurt and we hurt others.

But we have hope that there is a man named Jesus who is also God, and he chose to live in a broken world and be hurt by people, yet to love them to the point of dying for them.

This is our God, and this is our hope. It’s the means by which we can love and forgive other people. This is tricky. And I probably can't imagine what you’ve been through, but God knows. 

If you have a chance sometime today, talk to God and say, “this is what I think I can't forgive” or, “this is who I think I can't forgive” and tell him why.

God’s not pointing his finger at you and saying, “but I forgave you.” Instead, he’s saying, “I know this is hard. I know that they hurt you and I'm angry at that too. I see injustice and I never want injustice for my children.”

He will help you. It's the only way.

Our own willpower will never help us forget and move past the hurts that other people have caused us, but His spirit and supernatural power will.

It happens in those quiet moments where you just sit, wait, and ask.

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