Finding Your People; How Much We Need Each Other
If you are just joining us, you're going to want to get the book Find Your People because we are walking through this season, building deep community in a lonely world.
In chapter four, I'm trusting by this point you're seeing a need.
You realize that community’s broken down in our culture. We have an enemy that wants to kill, steal and destroy it. We also have our own personal hurts and baggage from life that bring us to this point where we are hesitant to jump in with people. At this point, my hope is that you want to fight for this. You want to build this because we do need each other.
It is not good for us to be alone.
In this chapter, we talk about the different circles of influence. You have acquaintances, your village, and your inner circle that's 2-5 people.
The Inner Circle
The inner circle is something that everybody's familiar with. This is something that you may not have in your life but you understand the concept.
There are times that we need a bigger group than those 2-5, but you're always going to have those 2-5 if you have the village. Inside that village is going to be the two people that you most connect with. Then, if somebody moves, it's not the end of the world because you have other friends; you have a wider circle of friends.
We can't be close to a dozen people. We don't have time. Therefore, we need to choose 2-5 people, out of that village, who you'll see on a weekly or twice a week basis. First, you don't have to have everything in common. In fact, you probably won't and you shouldn't.
There's a myth that people have about friendship that you must have some clique that gets set and you stick together for the rest of your lives. That's not possible in the world that we live in.
Qualities of Good Friends
What to Look for When You're Looking for Your People
Within the village, you'll have all kinds of people that are going to be able to help you with all kinds of things. You're going to be able to love and serve them in different ways too. You’ll have some people in your life that have a ton of wisdom about the next stage of life or about the Lord and scriptures. However, they may not be the deepest person that you want to share everything with every day.
One great thought in this book was that you would be able to lift your eyes, look at the people God has put around you, and consider that this may not be your BFF even though you matter to each other.
If you're available, it means you need some friends. It means you have margin time. One of the greatest commodities in friendship is time; availability.
If they're humble, they will tell you what they need. They won't be afraid to tell you if you hurt their feelings. They will be humble if you have to bring something to them that hurt you. You can apologize to each other; it means that they're going to last.
If they're transparent, you're going to feel like you know them quickly. You'll feel like you know what's going on with them and not some pretend version of how they're doing.
These are qualities that can be learned and built in your life. Some of you have plenty of time, but you're spinning it doing things that cause zero connection in your life. You have availability, but you're not spending it on people.
Become the Type of Friend Someone Would Be
Looking For
You have to put that availability card on the table for people and say, “I'd love to get together this week. I've got all these nights free three nights, which one is best for you?” Express your availability. They have to be able to interact with you and know that you’re available to make plans with.
You can’t be available to everybody, but anyone you're looking to let into your inner circle should know that you'll make time for them.
Humility is easy; never defend yourself. That can be hard, but it's not complicated. This is the way that we begin to let friendships last more than one year. If you’re humble you grow and learn.
You ask questions like: How can I be a better friend? Have I done anything that has hurt? Then, you say, “I'm so sorry for that”.
Transparency can be the hardest one. Being transparent is a discipline for me. It's something I have to work out and decide to do. For some people, transparency is super easy. Don't write people off because it's hard for them. Instead, push them a little.
Be a bold friend in somebody's life and say, “You need to be known and I want to know what's wrong.” It may take fighting for that, but eventually, you may feel that this person wants to share. That person could fall into your inner circle.
If you’re that person that never shares what's going on in your life, you should know that you can’t have a connection without vulnerability. It will be a facade and not a deep, sincere connection.
It's a very unselfish choice; to listen, and to share the hard parts of life. It goes against our nature and part of that reason is that the devil loves for us to be disconnected.
Choose Connection over Loneliness
One of my fears is that we've gotten so comfortable living alone. We are so used to it that we don't even know it could be different.
It is not the way that God wants you to live. It’s not the way you're happy living because we weren't built for it.
[We were built to be in a community.]
What choices are you making instead of a community?
What are the unhealthy and unhelpful things you choose to go to instead of people?
Start noticing those things. List them out in your head and ask God to help you not want to sit around and watch TV, scroll your phone or drink too much and never invite anybody else in or never get out. Ask God to help you choose people.
