How to Go Deep with Your People
If we want the culture of relationships in our lives to change, we’re going to have to work at it. And we want to help you do that.
Our hope is that if you put these 3 questions, 2 scriptures, and 1 challenge into action, the culture of your relationships will change for the better.
3 Questions
#1. Why is it difficult for you to be vulnerable?
What are the things that are hard for you to share? Can you share them? And why is it so hard to do that with the people you're close to?
If you were to ask your good friends these questions, and they were to ask you the same, this would be a powerful conversation. You may realize that you each have different reasons for not sharing your struggles openly and regularly with each other.
There will be different reasons why this is hard for each of us. Maybe you were good at sharing in the past, but you remember one time that you shared and you ended up being hurt. Or, you feel like if you share, you’re being selfish and taking up time. You might also feel like you have too much to share and you might not know where to begin.
In my friendships, I started to be more open about the best way for me to share. I’ve realized that the easiest way for me to be vulnerable is if we have more than an hour over lunch. I’m someone who needs time.
Maybe you’re like me and you need extended time to really open up. I know that if I open up a little, I'll want to open up a lot. I’ve learned that it takes more time for me to share, and I don’t like feeling rushed. Knowing this about myself and sharing it with my friends has given them the opportunity to know the best environment for me to open up.
Do you know what the best environment for you to open up is? Do you know the best environment for your friends to open up with you? Share this with your friends, and have them share this with you.
#2. What’s one thing you can do this week to move past shallow conversations?
Ask each other questions like, “how do we move past shallow conversations?” And, “how can we actually lean in to what's really going on with each other?”
We can have a tendency to only give each other updates on our life, rather than share how we feel about the updates themselves.
We’ll say, “this is what's going on with me this week.” Or, “this is what's going on with my kids.” However, the better question is, “how does it make you feel?” When we get to the feelings behind what’s going on, we’ll get to the heart of it.
#3. What is the risk in being fully known?
What are you risking? What is your risk? What is risky for everyone might be different. Different things feel risky to different people about being fully known by another person. Ask yourself what you risk is, and share that with some one else.
2 Scriptures
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Study this verse. Memorize it. This is the best thing to say to some one that's struggling and opening up to you about their struggles. This verse shows them that you don't have any condemnation for them, and that God doesn’t have any condemnation for them either, because of the blood of Jesus.
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.
This scripture is perfect for talking about vulnerability. Sometimes being vulnerable can feel like we're complaining. We might think, “what's the point in sharing the hard parts of life? What good is sharing going to do for me?”
It’s true, God has called us not to grumble. Don’t complain. This is the tension we have to hold when we're sharing our lives with others.
However, when we’re transparent and vulnerable, we’re seeking connection and healing. But when we complain, what we’re really seeking is a sense of relief. When we complain we are seeking to vent, and we don't want anybody to give you thoughts or encouragement.
When we’re transparent and vulnerable, we’re saying, “here's what's going on in my life. This is hard, and I need help carrying this. I need other people to know I’m going through this.” This is a whole different posture than letting off steam about something.
Scripture is also clear that we are to carry one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2) and that we are to confess what's going on in our lives (James 5:16). We are to mourn, laugh, and celebrate with each other. To do that, we have to know what's happening in each other's lives.
1 Challenge
I wrote a little Madlib, below. This involves filling in the blanks with what you’re currently walking through.
Then, make a plan to see a friend this week. Ask someone to hang out. And when you do, you're going to read each other the answers you filled in.
This week at work, or at home, I was busy with ___ and I felt ___. I think I felt that way because ___. I wish that ___ would happen. Very few people know that ___ is happening in my ___. I need ___ but I'm afraid to ask for it. I'm hesitant to open up because ___. The greatest way you could love me right now is to ___.
Personally, I’m horrible at this. I’m bad at getting past just the “update”. But I know that I have to move past the update to what I actually feel about what is happening in my life.
This place of feeling is where we actually connect. It might be a place of sadness and hopefulness, or maybe joy and happiness. Either way, these are the points of connection.
Our emotions are a gift from God. They’re not suppose to master us, but they’re suppose to hint at what we’re really going through.
This way, we can be in touch with ourselves and connect with others in our difficulties and sufferings, and in our joys and happiness.
You can find this madlib and more in the Find Your People book club guide. Fill it out and share it with a friend!
Want to go all in? Grab your copy of Find Your People today!
