How to Handle Conflict

Conflict is a natural part of human relationships. Very rarely will a longstanding relationship be without conflict. But conflict could be one of the best teachers when handled well.

It’s an opportunity to learn about ourselves and the people in our lives.

We see Paul helping two women resolve a conflict in Philippians 4. He’s not dogging them for having conflict. Rather, he's imploring them to come to a resolution. There are two resolutions you can come to during a conflict – space or reconciliation.

Space is ideal if you have tried to reconcile and reach an understanding without success. The key here is that you've given it a lot of work and still have continued dissension and disagreement. But it’s important to understand that you cannot keep every friendship you make.

As you age, you realize that different friendships serve varying purposes during different seasons of your life. But Paul knows that reconciliation is important to display God to this world. So, how do we reconcile and move forward after conflict?

#1 We keep short accounts.

Our hope is heaven, and our relationship is ultimately satisfied in God. So, we can let people be. We can let them disappoint and hurt us. We can keep short accounts and let things slide.

Many hurts are often just misunderstandings. I’ve read into situations and built an entire case against myself. I’ve imagined what the other person must be thinking, and we’d suddenly have a huge war that the other person doesn't even know about.

We need to make sure we're dealing with a genuine offense before reacting.

Paul understands that there'll be conflict and times of anger. He says to be angry and not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil, he tells us in Ephesians 4.

#2 Address and resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

Don't be quick to try to make something right. A rushed response is often our selfish ambition to put our conscience at peace or not feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it's less selfish to give something space and time. Walk away from the situation and sleep on it for a few nights.

If you still can't let it go, then approach that person. Tell them, “Maybe I misunderstood you, but I haven't been able to shake off something you said the other day. What did you mean by this?”

Give them a chance and assume the best. Assume that they had no ill intentions. They might have held on to some hurt they haven't brought to you. Give them grace to bring it to you.

We must bring our anger to the relevant person and work it out because we’re responsible for not letting it take root and bring forth bitterness. But let's give people grace. Maybe the person has been too busy to address the hurt.

Perhaps they haven't noticed or known how to bring it to us. So, approach them with a lot of grace. Tell them what you experienced and how it made you feel.

When people come to us with their hurt or anger, we must be receptive and quick to apologize, even if we have no ill intention. The bottom line is that they felt hurt by you. You must take accountability for hurting them, even if it was unintentional.

#3 Forgive and trust God to defend your name.

Apologize and ask what you can do to make it right. You don't need to say a lot else because we often move into defensiveness. I've learned that there is very little good done in defending myself, even if I was right and the other person misunderstood.

King David never defended his name. He let people misunderstand him because he knew that God would defend him.

God is a defender of our names. So, we don’t need to right every wrong.

I’ve reached a point where it is difficult to offend me because I'm moving through life expecting to be hurt and disappointed.

I’m trusting God to be my significant, so I can let things go most of the time. Now, there are times when I have to tell someone they hurt me. So, I’ve also had to work through conflict.

#4 Submit the hurt to God.

Paul says don't be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. When you pray, be grateful and focus on the good in other people and your life. Submit your hurt to God and pray about it because He is able to shift our hearts.

Philippians 4:7 ESV – “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

God is calling us to a supernatural mindset that is guarded and filled with Christ Jesus. He is the way we will think and relate. He is the means through which we speak and reconcile. We forgive and love because we have been forgiven and loved so much. We give away our abundance because we have been given such abundance.

This is the story of God. We live out the Gospel in relationship, not in isolation.

It is easier to hide and not have to work these things out. It is easier to let no one hurt us and guard ourselves with isolation and loneliness. But it is a miserable way to live.

#5 Surrender

There are times when only one party wants the friendship to end. Perhaps a friend misunderstood your intentions or misinterpreted something you said. Maybe you’ve genuinely apologized several times and tried to make things right, but they still cut you off.

It can be agonizing to lose a friendship over a misunderstanding. But trying to fix things can worsen the situation. So, surrender the friendship and receive what God has for it. Surrender might mean taking a different road. Paul and Barnabas got into a big conflict and went their separate ways.

We should not be afraid of friendships ending.

A lot of friendships will end, and that's okay because life is complex. When things are out of our control, and we can't make peace, we must find peace in our relationship with God. We must let that sustain us.

Take heart that there is coming a time when reconciliation will be once and for all. In the meantime, we do the best we can.