Safety is Found Through Vulnerability

Vulnerability can feel scary, but it’s vital for deep friendships. We were created to share our weaknesses with each other, and this is the greatest way to live.

We have not prioritized living communally with each other. There’s a better way to live life. But how?

We can make small changes to create radical shifts in our relationships. All we have to do is intentionally prioritize our realtionships more than we do now, by just a little. Yes, only a couple of small decisions can change everything when you start looking for the relational connections that are already right in front of you.

We’re not talking about adding massive things to our schedules, but instead, just small, simple changes. When you look at the next few months of your life, what would it take for you to reach out to a few friends? What can you move around and reprioritize, even just slightly, to prioritize realtionships more than you do now?

My Experience with Vulnerability

A few months after the book Find Your People was already out, I was confronted by someone who shared with me how hard it had been for them that I have been speaking on this subject because in their experience with me, I hadn’t ever been a good friend to them. 

In our conversation, this person mentioned the things I literally confess in the book. In summary, they shared with me that I hadn’t been a good friend to them because I am not vulnerable.

It’s true, I admit that it’s hard for me to be transparent. And when others share problems with me, I try to fix their problems. These are my weaknesses that I’m actively working through.

I don't love thinking about what's wrong in my life. And to be honest, I don't always see the point of this. Yet, as I have chosen to live in more vulnerability and to let people into my struggles, I have only found healing and growth.

I don't love thinking about what's wrong in my life. And to be honest, I don't always see the point of this.

Yet, as I have chosen to live in more vulnerability and to let people into my struggles, I have only found healing and growth.

Now don't hear me say that I simply air out my dirty laundry to just anyone and everyone. But when I share life with my closest people, I choose to do this so that I can be known and understood by them.

But it’s tempting to hide the hard things from my people. Not because I want to live in secret, but because it’s hard to share. I struggle to share things that I can’t change circumstantially. For example, it feels really vulnerable to bring up the times when we face difficulties with a kid in our family, or struggles in our marriage. In the back of my head I hear a voice saying, “what’s the point?”

The Power of Confession

We are called to confess and live in the “light”. Why? Scripture says that in the light we find healing. This twist on why we should do this has changed everything for me. 

James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…”

To confess is to say the what is true. Confessing means sharing struggles that we've had, or sharing the weaknesses and burdens we face.

Hebrews 12:1 talks about throwing off every sin and burden that so easily entangles us. As we confess, we are “throwing off” the sin as a confession. We do this so that we may be healed.

Our forgiveness from God is not contingent on confession or being honest with each other, but our healing is. 

As I’ve been honest about what my struggles and sin tendencies are, I’ve been met with compassion. To be met with compassion means to be seen, to be soothed, and to feel safe.

When I’m met with compassion, something in my brain starts to heal. I start to realize I don't have as much to be afraid of as I thought. My anxiety begins to go down, and I can exhale. 

On the flip side, when you watch people push something away, you can see a guardedness that follows. You can see them start to self protect. It’s almost as if they are guarding their emotions from others, and also from themselves. They might do this because they believe if they let themself feel those emotions, they might be “pulled under”, and they might not make it out.

But scripture is clear. If we confess to each other and pray for each other we will move towards healing.

If we don't access relationships in this deep, vulnerable way, we’re missing it. We're not allowing our soul to heal.

God describes that we are best nurtured, whole, and healed when we are connected to other people in our weakness.

Scripture talks about this all over the Bible. Over and over, scripture tells us to boast in our weaknesses.

But why would we ever boast about our weaknesses? That feels embarrassing, right? 

Scripture calls us to live like this because apart from God getting the glory, there's freedom in owning our inadequacy, brokenness, and weakness. We can live in less fear when we don’t have to be afraid of being “found out”.

This is the greatest way to live.

We Don’t Have to Be Perfect

How much more freedom do we have as believers who get to say, “you know what, you're right, and I’m forgiven. Jesus has forgiven me for the very things that I’ve been most ashamed of in my life. And now I'm no longer ashamed. I can boast in my weaknesses because the blood of Jesus has saved me, changed me, and forgiven me for them.” 

The hope we have is that we don't have to live in insecurity and fear because we can recognize that we are broken. We’re broken just like everyone else. The worst feeling is being in a room and feeling like you're the only one who’s broken. But here’s the thing, you're not the only one that's broken. For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). The truth is that we’ve all messed up. And this is one of the most comforting truths in the world. 

Freedom allows us to be vulnerable because we don't have to be perfect in anyone's eyes.

We will let people down. But then, we are free to apologize and own our part.

We can remember that our significance and worth aren’t found in their approval of us. Instead, it’s found in the Lord, and He is pleased with us despite our imperfections.

This is the hope of the gospel. We’re going to disappoint each other and we're not going to measure up a lot of times. Yet, the gospel makes it safe for us to be vulnerable.

The gospel makes it okay to be imperfect. 

I pray that you have people in your life whom you can be imperfect with. And if you don’t, take a risk. Try. Because the reality is that everyone’s just waiting for someone else to say, “hey, I'm struggling.” And if you lead the way, they will know it's safe for them to say it, too. Living in this type of vulnerability and freedom will bring about the realtionships that you desire.

Vulnerability is attainable. But proximity may not be. You might be someone who lives far out in the middle of nowhere. And you might be somewhere where you don’t know a single believer who lives within 20 miles. But there is a way. You can have vulnerability over the phone. You can have this type of vulnerability with friends that are distant.

This is worth it. Day in and day out, I have to choose to lean in and be vulnerable. I know the risks, and I know that my vulnerability could be used against me. But I still choose to live this way because I've seen the fruit. And I've also seen what happens when we’re not vulnerable, I’ve seen how that can be isolating and numbing.

So, here’s the challenge.

Try it. Reach out to a friend. 

You can say, “Hey, I've had some things going on in my life. I'd love to go to coffee and share these things with you. All I need you to do is just listen and nod. Or, you could share some things with me that you're struggling with too, so I can know I'm not alone.”

Put words to what you need.

And if a friend doesn’t do a good job at this, don’t give up on them. Instead, teach them, share with them, and keep pursing vulnerability with each other.

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